I watched a short ad about Chinese medicine. It said that people with irritability issues have low “chi.” She explained it as energy “leaking” and being blocked rather than flowing. I remember going to an acupuncturist in Kelowna over a year ago. She told me I have low chi, and then I bought a very expensive herbal supplement. I don’t know if any of that does anything, but I know I’m so damn tired of being so irritable all the time. It’s been two weeks, four days, and 15 hours since I last had a drink. I’m craving the sensation of being drunk quite a bit today. I’m very emotional as I write this. For some reason, I thought not drinking would be pretty life-changing. So far, I’ve just had lots of weird rashes, petty fights with coworkers, some weight gain, lots of headaches, and I’m so anhedonic. Is it supposed to get better? Or is this just how bad my mental health has been for the last year or three, but without the masking of substance abuse? It feels absolutely horrible. I feel chaotic inside. I also feel a strong urge to move and change my environment. I also feel more isolated from friends. I can’t tell if I’m falling apart or finally feeling everything I spent years trying to drown, but sobriety is cutting me open without anesthesia—and what’s underneath is fucking raw