180 A Hundred and Eighty degrees turn toward… healthier me. The number feels insane, this number of days doesn’t feel real. Its so big and so small, and so real and so not at the same time. According to personal experience (past recovery), some smart people from books, online training and my (best) buddy AI, around 6 month mark is (another one) when you get shaken and challenged once again. 🤬 What seem to go away (aka cravings) bc you somehow get too busy with life and forget (seemengly: forever. but a lie), yet returns and tortures you. Once again, not the first, not the last time (oh how I wish its the last, but no. addiction got its claws so deep and just waits. can be days, months, even years - the bitch is patient). Always when its least expected. Always wearing a benine mask, this fkg tiny voice in your head, that tells you to drink a little, only once, maybe twice. And suddenly (this weekend) you almost nod in agreement. But then you smirk at the though - you are such a fool, you always were, you will never heal, it will never leave you alone, never will you be whole, once poisoned yourself, you will remain broken. And you fall apart, the flood gate opened, of so much sadness, bitterness, anger and sorrow, SO MUCH PAIN - about past, future, wasted time, life, opportunities - you want to choke with these emotions. Fucking addiction, my burden, just like that - with one loose thread of though - raised its ugly fkg head… You like yourself, you LOVE yourself, you in love with the person you becoming. You have so much contrast - the before and now, that now you know, it makes you know, you don’t want… you don’t need…noooo, no no no…. Because you actually happier, dance at the party, you don’t want to drink, you forget all about it and you soooooo much better - you just want to dance. Its all just like a nightmare you don’t want to go back to. You want to forget, yet you want to remember. Every. Little. Piece. Of this broken you that makes you whole.🫶