I spent over 100 days sober from January 1st, and broke my streak in May. I've been using almost every day since. I've also realized that my substance use (+ the shame of it) is heavily linked to lying so I can protect myself and keep people from knowing, even in the most unconditionally loving relationships. I lied about it to my partner yesterday before immediately admitting the truth, and that scenario has happened enough times that I can see her losing faith and trust in me. She spent half of last night and all of her lunch break today reiterating to me how damaging this issue is, how it seems like I only put myself first and never prioritize the relationship when it comes to this. (Me lying about my substance use is our only issue, and I feel like we'd be great if I just drop all of it completely.) I don't want to lose anymore loved ones. I don't want to keep disappointing people. I don't want to keep letting myself down. I want to be sober. I need to be sober.