Not sure where to start…I get cleaned up from one thing, and something else grabs me. Over and over.. the chronic pain doesn’t help.. I used to think brainwashing was only in movies, but it’s real. I’ve been undoing it for about 3 years now. Opioids got me. In attempt to get off those I started 7-oh tabs thinking it was this natural miracle come to find out I became addicted with awful withdrawals… I haven’t been so down in a long time. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t end it. I’ve been tapering down from the tabs tho. Now down to 50mg/day. Was about 135 a couple weeks ago.i can’t afford my psych meds so im coming off of them , thats not helping. I feel like i cant trust anyone. Especially the closer they are to me. Like I’m constantly under attack- even if im not. Like I can’t tell the difference. The self hatred just keeps growing. I cling to my faith strongly, but falling short eats at me. I wish I was a different person sometimes. I don’t want to be in my skin anymore if that makes sense. Scoliosis, sciatica, PTSD and bipolar disorder can be an ugly mix. Adding substances don’t help, but what does? How the hell am I supposed to live in constant pain without something to ease it? Physically mentally and emotionally? Sorry for bummer post here.. I hope everyone has a safe weekend! If anyone read this thank you. If not I understand.. I really shouldn’t complain at all, others have it worse. I’m working on shutting up. It’s not easy either lol.. I’m a talker- but I need to toughen up and stop being so emotional. Great part of being a fucked up woman. But if I can just put that happy face on and back it up, everyone else will be happier. So I really gotta figure out how to shut down, and put on a better show- longer lasting, so no one around me can actually see. My pain is only used against me when I don’t meet their expectations. So why let them know I have any at all? Sorry, talking about myself too much.. Thank you for being here!