i have over eight months sober from fentanyl now. i wish i could say i felt a lot better but im mentally a mess. i live in a single room occupancy in a building that has a million things illegal about it (in fact they just got half a dozen citations two weeks ago) and being here makes me want to cease to exist. i still have no art or writing inspiration, everything i write or draw comes out like shit and i can’t finish anything. i’m hugely fat from being sober and feel so fucking ugly and disgusting. i miss dope everyday and have been having some wicked cravings recently. i’m on methadone and shunned by twelve step groups for it (though i think twelve step groups are cults anyways). i’m just to tired of being alive. i basically never feel happy. i have no real friends. all i have is my life partner of nearly thirteen years and my cat. i’m scared of the future. i’m in constant physical pain from an accident i was in plus an abscess that traveled to my spine two years ago and left me with permanent spinal damage. and my mental illnesses are so bad and no meds seem to do shit so i’m not even on any sort of real mental health meds at the moment since they don’t work. i’ve tried at least 30-40 different meds. i’m tired of this.